My Ushpizin - What Is My Child Trying to Teach Me This Sukkot?

What Is My Child Trying to Teach Me This Sukkot?

There is something very special about Sukkot.

Throughout the year, we live in our homes—in a place that feels permanent, familiar, and secure. Then Sukkos comes, and the Torah tells us: “Leave your permanent dwelling and sit in a temporary dwelling.”

We leave our homes and enter the sukkah—as if Hashem is saying to us: Come. Sit with Me.

On Sukkot, we don't just invite guests into our sukkah. We ourselves become guests in Hashem's sukkah.

And then we invite the Ushpizin—the holy guests who accompany us throughout the days of Sukkot: Avraham Avinu, Yitzchak Avinu, Yaakov Avinu, Moshe Rabbeinu, Aharon HaKohen, Yosef HaTzaddik, and David HaMelech.

But why do we invite them?

Not simply because they were great people. We invite them because their lives have something to teach us.

Avraham Avinu taught us what it means to remain committed even when everything around you tells you otherwise. Yitzchak Avinu experienced challenge and sacrifice. Yaakov Avinu lived through fear, family struggles, loss, and uncertainty. Yosef HaTzaddik endured rejection, loneliness, and tremendous hardship.

We don't only remember their greatness. We remember their journey.

And perhaps that gives us another way to look at our own Sukkot.

The Hardest Part of Simchat Yom Tov

One of the greatest challenges of Yom Tov is also one of the simplest to describe: we are supposed to be happy.

It has been said in the name of the Vilna Gaon that the mitzvah of Simchah is among the most difficult mitzvot.

We prepare for Yom Tov. We clean the house. We prepare beautiful meals. We build and decorate the sukkah. We invite family and guests.

And then, right in the middle of the meal, it happens.

Your child is suddenly angry.

Another child starts crying.

Someone is jealous because his brother is sitting next to Grandpa.

A child becomes disruptive, refuses to cooperate, or starts complaining about everything.

And the thought that comes into our minds is almost automatic:

“Now? Of all times? Can't you just behave? We're trying to have a beautiful Yom Tov!”

But perhaps there is another way to look at that moment.

Maybe your child didn't come to ruin the simchah. Maybe your child came to teach you something about simchah.

The Behavior Isn't Always the Whole Story

When a child is acting out, we naturally focus on the behavior.

He's yelling.

She's crying.

He's being difficult.

She's bothering everyone.

And of course, sometimes the behavior needs to be stopped. A child cannot simply be allowed to hurt others or disrupt the entire family.

But the behavior is not always the whole story.

A child who is yelling may be saying, “It's hard for me right now.”

A child who is jealous may be saying, “I want to know that I have a place too.”

A child who suddenly starts crying may be saying, “Something is bothering me, but I don't know how to express it.”

A child who becomes disruptive may simply be saying, “See me. I need you right now.”

We don't always know exactly what is happening inside our child. But we can learn to become curious.

Instead of immediately asking:

“How do I make him stop?”

we can sometimes ask:

“What's happening with my child right now?”

Maybe he's exhausted.

Maybe the noise and excitement have become too much.

Maybe he feels overlooked.

Maybe he's carrying something that happened earlier in the day.

Maybe he's jealous.

Maybe he simply needs a few quiet minutes with his parent.

The goal is not to excuse every behavior. The goal is to look beyond the behavior.

Sometimes My Child Is My Ushpizin

Imagine that during the Yom Tov meal your child becomes upset because his brother is sitting next to Grandpa.

One response might be:

“Stop it. What's wrong with you? Let your brother sit there.”

Another response might be:

“It's hard for you that your brother is sitting next to Grandpa, isn't it? You wanted to sit there too.”

Nothing has been “fixed” yet. But something important has happened.

Your child has been seen.

Or imagine your child suddenly starts crying.

Instead of immediately saying, “Why are you crying now?” you might say:

“I'm not sure what happened, but I can see that something is bothering you. Do you want to tell me?”

And if your child is yelling:

“I hear that you're very angry. I'm not going to let you yell at everyone, but I do want to understand what you need right now.”

That is not weakness.

It is not permissiveness.

It is parenting with curiosity.

Sometimes the behavior needs to be stopped. The child does not.

And perhaps this is one of the lessons of the Ushpizin.

We look at Avraham, Yitzchak, Yaakov, Moshe, Aharon, Yosef, and David, and we don't define them by one moment of their lives. We remember their struggles, their challenges, their fears, their decisions, and ultimately their growth.

Perhaps we can do something similar with our children.

Instead of seeing only what is happening on the outside, we can become curious about what may be happening on the inside.

Maybe This Is My Ushpizin This Year

Sukkot teaches us to leave what feels permanent and enter a temporary dwelling.

Perhaps it also gives us an opportunity to leave some of our automatic reactions behind.

To stop for a moment.

To look at the child in front of us.

And to ask:

“What is my child trying to tell me?”

Maybe the child who is making things difficult is not simply another problem standing between us and our Yom Tov.

Maybe he is giving us an opportunity to practice patience.

Maybe she is teaching us to see beyond behavior.

Maybe our child is reminding us that simchah doesn't mean that everything goes perfectly.

Because we don't need a perfect sukkah.

We don't need a perfect meal.

And we certainly don't need perfect children.

We need a home where a child knows that even when he brings something difficult into the room, he still has a place.

And perhaps, this year, that is my Ushpizin.

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